How do you win at mediation?

How do you win in mediation? It’s a question that gets asked a lot but actually, the really short answer is:

You don’t.

Mediation is all about mindset. Whether it is going to work or not, is entirely down to the people in the room. Whether you are going to win or not – well, if that is your mindset, then mediation is most likely not going to work. So no, you won’t win. But the other person won’t either.

Confused?

Mediation works because it looks to seek solutions. Future focussed solutions that can restore, repair or at the very least make workable, relationships that have gone a bit wonky. The “winning” part, is the ability you gain of going to work without that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach any more, or stopping the 3am’s where you lie awake mulling over the words your “adversary” last said to you… “winning” is being able to get on with your life, letting go of the stress, anxiety and productivity-sapping negativity that has been haunting you ever since your conflict began.

That to me sounds a lot like “winning”. And the nice part is, if you can manage that for yourself, then it’s likely that the other person feels the same too – at least, that’s the goal, so hey presto – you’re BOTH winners!

Let go of the outcome being based on a winner or a loser. Mediation isn’t about proving who is right and who is wrong. There is no victory based on one person getting the upper hand over the other person. You won’t be vindicated because the mediator turns to you and says, “you’re right John. Terry is an absolute nightmare to work for. You are completely right to have set fire to his car”. That’s never going to happen.

Instead, go into a mediation with a clear head and an open mind. Mediation is an opportunity to get your words heard and your needs met. You may be surprised to discover what your needs actually are – caught up in a conflict we often lose sight of what stated the whole thing in the first place, and it may take you to a place you never considered.

So let go of win:lose. Instead, think of it as an opportunity to move forward. Because if you can manage that, you win anyway.